Day 283

#np - Taking Chances by Celine Dion

I recently read an article detailing how women can't have it all.  It speaks of a claim women have made for years - We can have it all! - referencing a successful professional life (that we want at the highest level we desire) and a fulfilling family or personal life.  Now, let me tell you, I'm a realist when it comes to this. I know you can't have it all.  Life is about making sacrifices, some big and some small, to get the most fulfilling life you can.  I also realize that that claim was directed at white, upper-middle class, women who don't necessarily fret over putting food on the table.  I understand the author in so many of the points she makes.

That being said, one point/recommendation is sticking with me.  It's irking me.  She talks of her decision to wait until she was professionally successful to have children.  At 35 years old she starting trying to get pregnant and it was a long struggle until her successful pregnancies at 38 and 40.  She advises, in her article, to wait to have children but still do so by 35 and if you can't/won't/etc, have your eggs frozen.

So here I am, approaching 30 years old.  I'm generally satisfied with my life.  I really like my new job.  I am proud of my education.  I'm proud of my life choices.  And yet this woman now has me wondering if I should have my eggs frozen.

Shit.

I mean really!

How much does that even cost?  Is this something they do in Kentucky? Is it like a storage unit where I have to pay a monthly fee or they put my crap on the street? I understand where she's coming from.  I do.  I can sympathize, although not relate, with her struggle to have children.  But did she need to perpetuate this fear; not of not having it all but rather of not having any of it?  I suppose she's being realistic but she's set me into a tailspin.  Following her timeline, so I can have the family I want to have, I need to be married and pregnant within five years.  FIVE!

Five.

Today is day 283 to 30 years old.  I'm considering googling "costs of freezing your eggs".  Because lets face it, I don't know if I will want children at 35 years old.  And I don't know if I'll be married by then.  I think my track record is clear on not settling on a partner just to advance this part of my life.  I'm not willing to force this to fulfill the basic need I feel to be a mother.  And in the meantime I'm happy concentrating on my career and my family and friends.  But does that mean I need to freeze my eggs to keep my options open?  And when I can't afford it, as I most assuredly won't be able to, what then?

I can imagine my parents' reactions to this post.  They will likely have words of encouragement and slight admonishments for letting this get under my skin.  They will tell me that there's no need to rush things.  Others will tell me their own stories and personal tidbits. Stories about how they didn't struggle and gave birth (healthily) at 45.  I'll be told to wait.  Have fun.  Enjoy this time.

But my refridgerator is overflowing with the pictures of my friends' beautiful newborn babies.  Lovely babies born before their moms turned 30...let alone the dreaded 35!  Perhaps I should freeze my eggs and have the docs take a picture of the tubes (petri dishes, I don't know how this works, people!) and I can put that on the fridge, too.  

I wouldn't say this is my biological clock ticking.  (Honestly, Mom.)  But I would say thanks a lot (sarcastically) to the lady that recommended this.  Because on top of everything else a young woman of 29 years and 283 days worries about, freezing her eggs (and figuring out if how to pay for it) just made the list (well almost, I'm not 30 yet).